Review: Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the People We Don't Know

Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the People We Don't Know by Malcolm Gladwell
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I hadn’t planned to read this book, but since it came as a bonus in a Next Big Idea Club box I gave it a read, and I was glad that I did. Gladwell uses stories of situations gone wrong to illustrate how our our interactions with strangers sometimes fails, and why. Through a number of stories bookended by the tragic Sandra Bland incident, we see the challenges of interacting with people when we assume that we understand their motivations, the downsides of our default to trust people, and the risks of being being too suspicious.

The two main themes of the book are that transparency (the idea that you can “read” people) is rarely reality, and that“defaulting to truth” (basically trusting people) has pros and cons, but the pros outweigh the cons. Gladwell uses stories of spies, terrorist interrogations, and policing to illustrate how things go wrong when we misunderstand how transparency and trust work.

In terms of Transparency, these stories put something important in the context of my personal and professional life into a larger context: It’s hard to guess what people are thinking based on externalities, and acting based on them without checking yourself-- especially when you have an opportunity to ask -- is a good way for interactions to go down hill. It can be difficult to guess what a spouse, colleague, or neighbor is thinking, even when you share a common context. When interacting with people you never met from different cultures and/or backgrounds it’s probably impossible, and curiosity is more likely that not the best approach.

Defaulting to Truth, the idea that people generally believe what others are saying is accurate, is more interesting. Gladwell give us a number of examples of how being too trusting let spies and other bad actors evade detection, even in the face of (in retrospect) obvious clues. On the other hand going the other way and being overly skeptical can lead to dysfunction, and bad things. While sometime bad things happen when we engage in Truth Default behavior, it is also necessary for us to function as society, community, and in interpersonal relationships.

My two main take-a-ways from the book are that, while Truth Default can sometimes lead you astray, the alternative can be worse , and that transparency is a myth, and curiosity is better. We need to understand when to apply healthy skepticism, both of others, and of our own perceptions to thrive as a community. With endnotes and footnotes for those who want to dig deeper, Talking to Strangers is an engaging book that is very topical. Anyone who wants to think about how to build better interactions, at any scale, should find this book valuable.

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A Contract for One on One Meetings

One on One meetings between a manager and the people being managed are an useful tool for effective management. While “good” one-on-ones can have a variety of dynamics, and “bad” one-on-ones share certain factors. The easiest way for these meetings to go off track is to start them without a clear shared understanding of their purpose and format. We all have different expectations of what a “One on One” means based on our experience and knowledge. Being explicit about the key aspects of these meetings can help you to avoid misunderstandings and make more productive use of your time.
One way to establish common expectations is to create and agree to something akin to a Contract for One on One Meetings, either at the start of a new management relationship, or at a time when your meetings seems to be becoming less effective. Like any long-term agreement, realize that it’s subject to change as situations change. If “contract” seems too formal, think of it as an outline for a conversation.

Having been on both the manager employee side of the conversation, I’ve found the following to be the key points to agree on at the outset. Your list may be different, but I hope that this is a good starting point.

Key Agreements for One on One Meetings

A one-on-one agreement should address the following points. This agreement should allow for situational variation, but if you consistently stray too far, consider having a conversation. For some of the sections, who does something can vary. For simplicity, I specified either manager or employee in the example.

Purpose

While it may seem “obvious” why you’re having one-on-ones, there are enough obvious reasons that it’s worth spelling them out. Are these meetings career focused or project focused? Often one-on-ones are focused on career conversations rather than project work (though project work might provide context). Being explicit and clear is the important thing. If you have only one conversation about one-on-ones, this is the one to have. An example of a purpose statement could be:

The purpose of these one on one meetings is to provide a regular time to check in with each other about career goals, and to understand how we can work together to help the employee achieve her goals, and for the manager to get information to help her manager better.

Scheduling

Agree on how frequently you will meet, who will schedule the meetings, and in what format you’ll meet. Since business and personal commitments might lead to missing an occasional meeting or two, discuss how to handle those situations. The point here is to establish responsibility for scheduling time, and to establish the priority of these meetings. For example:

The manager will schedule one on one time every two weeks (as agreed). If schedules make this hard, the manager will provide notice and try to reschedule. If we miss more than 2 scheduled meetings, we will plan to meet in person, or via video as soon as possible.
The employee will make time for the one on one meeting, and give as much advance notice as possible if there are conflicts which make attendance difficult.

Content

This is a statement about the general agenda and how much preparation to expect. Err on keeping this to general themes so that you can keep to the format over time. It’s useful to include the following components:

• Manager Items
• Employee Items
• Feedback (both ways)
• Career development
• Action Item Review

The Manager will come prepared with items to discuss. During the meeting the manager will offer constructive feedback, follow up on action items, and ask for feedback, and accept it in a non-defensive manner.
The Employee will come prepared with items to discuss. During the meeting the employee will provide follow up on action items, offer constructive feedback to the manager, accept feedback from the manager in a non defensive manner and commit to raising any issues that are, or may be, concerns.

Follow up

Most short meetings will result in work to be done by the participants. This section describes what will happen after the meeting to capture and follow up on action items.

The manager will summarize action items (for both employee and manager). We don’t need meeting notes or minutes in most cases. Each party will make a best effort to follow up on action items.

Summary

The idea of a “contract” for a routine meeting might seem a bit heavy weight, but some form of agreement is essential. My hope is that this can be a framework for a conversation about what a good 1:1 is, even if the details vary.

Zen of Listening (Book Review)

Listening is an often undervalued skill. Often you can do a better job of communicating what you want other to know by listening better to your audience. The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction is a very practical guide to understanding impediments to listening better, and improving your listening skills.

This is not a typical communications book full of techniques to help you convince others that you are listening. This book focuses on techniques to help you build a mindset to listen better. You'll learn how you think about interactions, and how that thinking affects how you respond.

This was a deceptively simple read. The book was easy to get through, but after you read each chapter you are left with a lot to think about. The book will leave you with insights that will help you to understand and improve your interactions with others. As you read, you'll understand both about how you listen, and why some interactions might bother you. With this information you can start figuring out how much you can change your approach to an interaction to get the most out of it.

In addition to stories, examples, and advice, each chapter ends with a few simple exercises to help you practice what the chapter discusses. In spite of the title, the explicit references to Zen philosophy and techniques are few. The importance of meditation as a way to help you learn to reduce distractions is a recurring theme. This is a very practical book with advice that you can start using immediately.

My one minor complaint about the book is that a brief discussion in the last chapter about the negative effects of online interactions seemed to be a missed opportunity. While it is good to keep challenges of various media in mind, it would have been a pleasant surprise to see a discussion of how the lessons in the book could be applied to make all interactions more effective. This  does not take away the value of the book, and perhaps applying the techniques to other forms of communication can be an exercise for the reader. This is worth a read if you are interested in learning more about how you can listen and communicate better.